I can tuck mytits in my pants
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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