Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
