last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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