Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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