I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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