One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
