his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
