There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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