I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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