i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
