I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
