Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
