I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
