my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
