I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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