Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize