I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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