dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
