I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
