First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
