at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm getting married
To pizza
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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