ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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