You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
