If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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