At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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