8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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