remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
