I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
