i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize