The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
