Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
