i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
