she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
