Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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