Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
