God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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