Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
