we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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