That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
