someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
