You made me cry and you don't even care
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
