When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
