chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
