70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The best revenge is premature balding
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
