her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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