Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
