My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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