It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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