White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
