Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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