Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
