Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Say something about gay babies.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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