things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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