I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
