You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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