Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
