I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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