i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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