Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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