we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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