You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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