awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
