see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
