Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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