How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
